funny CFL article by Mike Toth on Sportsnet.ca

What's in a name?
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Mike Toth Archive

Ryan Dinwiddie's surname is an easy target for taunts after any bad decisions.
Absolutely everything if you're a CFL fan who realizes that a name is part of the game.

With the Buffalo Bills preparing to play in Toronto on August 14th, CFL protectionists have been busy blabbering about how the Canadian brand of football is more exciting than the NFL.

But forget about the games.

The fact is, the CFL should be celebrating its colourful names.

For instance, if you're looking for the perfect advertisement to push three-down football, it doesn't get any better than Tom Canada. Sure, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers defensive end actually grew up in the exceedingly Uncle Sam-ish community of Iowa, Indiana. But whenever Doug Berry, the coach of the 1-5 Bombers, tells the media to "Blame Canada", you can't help but feel a twinge of patriotism.

Truthfully, Canada doesn't get blamed very often, as he racked up 12 sacks last year and was named to the CFL all-star team. And like Canada, there are plenty of players around the league who have the game and the name to go with it.

Looking for tough guys?

The Calgary Stampeders have their very own physical foursome comprised of JoJaun Armour, Julian Battle, Funtaine Hunter and the ultimate in macho monikers, Ken-Yon Rambo.

If the power of positive thinking is more your style, the CFL is full of names that would have been perfect for "Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley" on "Saturday Night Live". Give a huge, happy hello to Chris Best of the Saskatchewan Roughriders, Winnipeg's Dan Goodspeed, along with Ian Smart and Zac Champion from the B.C. Lions. Yes, my friends, simply recite these self-affirming surnames over and over again and you'll finally be able to look in the mirror and say, "I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough and Doggone it, People like me!"

But not every CFL'er is lucky enough to carry a feel-good label.

How many times has a certain Stamps offensive lineman, for example, been called Jeff "The Human" Pilon by a cheeky opposition defensive tackle?

Edmonton's Tyler Clutts and the Riders John Chick, meanwhile, are simply cruel jokes perpetrated by the football gods.

And Winnipeg quarterback Ryan Dinwiddie?

He's had to go through life as a walking, talking insult.

"You Dinwiddie! What were you thinking throwing into triple coverage?"

Then there are names that inspire goofy giddiness in Grade 3 bathrooms and sports departments across the land. Say a big "hee hee hee" to Chip Cox and Chris Leak of the Montreal Alouettes, Toronto's Willie Pile and the Hamilton Ticats' Pat Woodcock.

But to atone for the sin of having such evil fun at the expense of your fellow humans, football can serve as a religion and so can some of its names.

Remember that crazy "Rainbow Man" who used to show up at every major sporting event flashing a "John 3:16" sign?

It turns out "Rainbow Man" is now wearing black and white stripes while he serves a life sentence behind bars for blowing stuff up. But today, his message is still being spread via the massive shoulders of Jude St. John, a holy rolling offensive lineman who opens huge holes for the Argos. Michael Bishop is also a man of the double-blue cloth although having been reduced to do a back-up role, Bishop may be ready to renounce his position and move on to another Mission. The Lions Cameron Wake, meanwhile, has obviously lost his way because with a handle like that, he should be playing for a Ti-Cats team that has already been pronounced dead after only six weeks of action.

On the other hand, Calgary's Demirus Summers knows that living is easy at this time of year. And nothing says summer more than big blockbusters at the movies. "The Dark Knight", the latest installment in the Batman brigade, is breaking all the box office records. But for my money, you can't beat the campy Batman television series of the 1960's. The Caped Crusader and "Robin ... old ... chum" would wipe the floor with the villain of the week and the carnage was celebrated with "BOOM!", "KAPOW!" and "SPLAT!" graphics that appeared inside cartoon bubbles. With that in mind, we proudly present the Batman-inspired dynamic duo of Patrick Kabongo and Siddeeq Shabazz from the Eskimos. In fact, the next time Sportsnet Connected offers up "The Hits of the Week", don't be surprised to see the action jacked up by the presence of the odd "KABONGO!" or "SHABAZZ!".

But with apologies to Batman freaks everywhere, Gotham City is a long way from The Great White North.

And since the CFL is at the very core of Canadiana, it's only right that we conclude our exercise with a pair of names reflecting the league's true spirit.

Angus Reid of the B.C. Lions, for instance, would get a positive check mark on any poll dedicated to Canadian football.

But the surname that says it all?

There's no way you can scream "I Am Canadian!" unless you cast a vote for Hamilton's Sandy "Frosty" Beveridge.