so hardcore it hurts

it's been a hard couple of weeks. while it might seem stupid to state something like that on a public blog and not explain further why it has been hard, i really don't care. deal with it. i've been feeling very unsettled lately. not with work or home life. just with life in general. i feel like the things that have always held me up aren't quite doing the trick anymore. there used to be this passion inside of me that pushed me. it pushed me out of my comfort zone and into things that are unknown. and without fail, i always saw the benefit of pushing myself forward like that. it's like there was this flame in my soul, and now it's been blown out. i have to figure out whether i can get it going again or whether it's gone, and not really as important as i thought it was. but i do believe it was important. i can't really describe the fire to you. part of me knows it was God. in fact, i would say it was wholly God inside of me pushing me to be better and be who i was made to be. but it manifested itself in smaller ways, like through my music, relationships, meal times with friends, etc...it wasn't like i always saw God stirring up this fire within me. but he worked through me and the things i encountered to change me, make me something better. and now i feel like i'm not growing. i miss being pushed into the unknown. it used to be the norm, and now it is the seldom. it seems like people around me are falling apart and i don't know what to do with that. there was a time when i felt like i always knew what to say and what to do. and i don't have that anymore. in fact, i usually just sit silently. and think. my own world. it's consuming me. silence can be deafening because the noise isn't there to drown out the worries and pressure. and i think it's a necessary part of my growth. but i'm tired of it. i'm tired of always wanting more.

one thing i miss is coffee with friends who would push me. i used to have daily or weekly lunches with friends where the talk was about more than the last football game or what we are doing on the weekend. those talks meant everything to me. we pushed each other, stretched each other, gave our lives to each other. and now i feel like we got tired of being pushed and are content to talk about football and things that don't matter. i'm content and unhappy at the same time. i'm content because i'm comfortable, but i'm unhappy because i'm the same person today that i was yesterday. and i know i can be better. i know it. i just don't remember how. i've got to find that fire that defined me once so well.

maybe the answer is more tattoos.