realization
i have recently come to the realization that my last bunch of posts have been simply hockey facts and article clips. i was getting pretty high and mighty for keeping up the blog-land, but i realized now that i suck and am a cheap phony, stealing people's articles and writing about hockey, which only nic and jeremy care about. so here i am, in search of redemption, but not likely to find it. am i being a bit over-dramatic, maybe? maybe...
i find myself feeling a little discouraged with myself lately. i have been living very selfishly. i have been living this way with my money, my time, and my life for a while now. where to begin...
i have bought a couple new cars lately. by new, i mean an 84' Toyota Corolla Hatchback and a 1997 Toyota Rav4. you might be saying to yourself, 'that's cool that they bought some older, more economical vehicles.' toyota's, after all, are known for their great gas mileage. and yes, that is part of the reason i bought them. the other part is that i hate my car, and wanted something more. i wanted something better. my motives weren't very pure. i still think we made a wise decision, but i can't help but feel like i have spent more money on myself and my family in the past two months than we have our entire lives and i'm feeling guilty for that. plus, i haven't sold my old car yet, so it's kind of funny that only me and melissa drive in our household, yet we have three vehicles. makes perfect economical sense, right? anyway, i also splurged on an 80 gig ipod. who the crap needs an 80 gig ipod? that is ridiculous! (i say as i add some sweet new podcasts to my playlist...cough cough...) i don't know. ipod's aren't evil in and of themselves, but i have found myself caught up in our culture of consumerism. bigger is better. why get something smaller when you can get something that is bigger than life itself. bet you didn't know an 80 gig ipod was biger than life itself. now you know. i put all the music i know of on and i think i have used 6 gigs so far. i am supersized. not just cause i'm fat either.
for those that don't know, we are ready to bust any day now with a beauty of a new baby girl. melissa has been a trooper from day 1 and i have been a slacker all along. yeah, i've been working. but i haven't given enough to my home life, and it has come back to hurt me and my relationship with my family. luckily, melissa and makena are very forgiving. melissa has shown unconditional support for me in my new role at the church, but i have lived a very hypocritical life separating myself from my family as i immerse myself in my work. that's dumb. there isn't an excuse. i have made many excuses along the way, but that is flat out dumb. when you have a beautiful wife at home and the most beautiful child in the world at your fingertips, it's dumb not to take advantage of that. a couple weeks ago, i had this epiphany where i realized that i was having a baby in two weeks. yes, i am a loser for having an epiphany about something i knew has been coming for 8.5 months, but that is how stupid i have been lately. so in the past couple weeks, i have started to make up for 8.5 months of neglect on my family's part. ha...a little late, but like i said, i have a wonderful and forgiving family. i cannot live a self-absorbed lifestyle while i have a wife and soon to be 2 children who are depending on me for friendship and support.
anyway, this all has left me feeling rather dirty lately. sticky, almost. like someone dumped syrup on me and i can't get it off. i don't know. life goes on, and i am so lucky, but i really want my lifestyle to match up with all the junk i preach to everyone else all the time. meanwhile, i am buying monster ipod's and not being good to my wife. at least i recognize it and admitted it. my wife won't let me get away with it anymore. plus, she'll steal my ipod if i'm not nice to her...
i find myself feeling a little discouraged with myself lately. i have been living very selfishly. i have been living this way with my money, my time, and my life for a while now. where to begin...
i have bought a couple new cars lately. by new, i mean an 84' Toyota Corolla Hatchback and a 1997 Toyota Rav4. you might be saying to yourself, 'that's cool that they bought some older, more economical vehicles.' toyota's, after all, are known for their great gas mileage. and yes, that is part of the reason i bought them. the other part is that i hate my car, and wanted something more. i wanted something better. my motives weren't very pure. i still think we made a wise decision, but i can't help but feel like i have spent more money on myself and my family in the past two months than we have our entire lives and i'm feeling guilty for that. plus, i haven't sold my old car yet, so it's kind of funny that only me and melissa drive in our household, yet we have three vehicles. makes perfect economical sense, right? anyway, i also splurged on an 80 gig ipod. who the crap needs an 80 gig ipod? that is ridiculous! (i say as i add some sweet new podcasts to my playlist...cough cough...) i don't know. ipod's aren't evil in and of themselves, but i have found myself caught up in our culture of consumerism. bigger is better. why get something smaller when you can get something that is bigger than life itself. bet you didn't know an 80 gig ipod was biger than life itself. now you know. i put all the music i know of on and i think i have used 6 gigs so far. i am supersized. not just cause i'm fat either.
for those that don't know, we are ready to bust any day now with a beauty of a new baby girl. melissa has been a trooper from day 1 and i have been a slacker all along. yeah, i've been working. but i haven't given enough to my home life, and it has come back to hurt me and my relationship with my family. luckily, melissa and makena are very forgiving. melissa has shown unconditional support for me in my new role at the church, but i have lived a very hypocritical life separating myself from my family as i immerse myself in my work. that's dumb. there isn't an excuse. i have made many excuses along the way, but that is flat out dumb. when you have a beautiful wife at home and the most beautiful child in the world at your fingertips, it's dumb not to take advantage of that. a couple weeks ago, i had this epiphany where i realized that i was having a baby in two weeks. yes, i am a loser for having an epiphany about something i knew has been coming for 8.5 months, but that is how stupid i have been lately. so in the past couple weeks, i have started to make up for 8.5 months of neglect on my family's part. ha...a little late, but like i said, i have a wonderful and forgiving family. i cannot live a self-absorbed lifestyle while i have a wife and soon to be 2 children who are depending on me for friendship and support.
anyway, this all has left me feeling rather dirty lately. sticky, almost. like someone dumped syrup on me and i can't get it off. i don't know. life goes on, and i am so lucky, but i really want my lifestyle to match up with all the junk i preach to everyone else all the time. meanwhile, i am buying monster ipod's and not being good to my wife. at least i recognize it and admitted it. my wife won't let me get away with it anymore. plus, she'll steal my ipod if i'm not nice to her...
posted by xblairx @ 1:24 PM
3 Comments:
At 6:44 PM ,
Brian said...
Sometimes I get the feeling that there is so much to chip off our block. You know, like you're drowning and the harder you swim the worse off you are. Anyway, over spring break I was chattin' it up with an old professor friend. He said it was a chore for some of the early Christians just to get the basics down. Almost like it took all the effort one could muster and loads of transformation just to start to treat the slave they owned with decency, or just to actually love their wife.
Sometimes I want to be part of the global mission to help the people in Hati who have been mixing butter and clay together for breakfast, but at other times, I know I need to be present for those around me. What a cool battle though.
Not sure where I'm going except to say that there will always be big struggles and simple ones, but just being aware of them has to mean God's not through with you.
At 5:36 PM ,
Jessie said...
i love that you are never afraid to let us in on such personal and intimate details of your life.
i'm feeling a little cheap and fake myself these days. only a few short weeks ago i was singing portuguese songs to kids in africa about washing their hands to avoid disease and weighing babies from trees...and now i'm wearing makeup again, checking my facebook multiple times a day and complaining about having to walk a few blocks to my car after a long day of work at a job i should be grateful to have.
it's funny (or maybe more pathetic) how easily priorities in life get messed up so fast and often with us barely noticing.
before i went overseas i had enough trouble imagining how i could give up some of my selfish living habits...but now that i am back i realize just how much this consumerist culture sets us up to fail over and over again. we are lucky if we don't spend more money in a day than some people make in a month let alone trying to avoid purchasing the latest gizmo to hit the shelf. and i'm as guilty as the next person. i carried around 3 grand worth of camera equipment in a country that is currently using 10 million dollar bills which are really worth no more than the toilet paper i use to wipe my ass. (excuse the language) talk about privilege.
80gb ipods or not though (don't worry, i have one too), i believe that most of us do the best we can and that living a good life has a lot to do with learning from our mistakes and allowing others to do the same. and when all you can do is get some thoughts down for other people to read, at least you're doing something.
that was a horrible tangent. sorry.
At 1:04 PM ,
Anonymous said...
All I have to say is this. You are young my friend. It is hard to find balance between work and home, especially when work is for God. Don't be quite so hard on yourself bud. We all make mistakes. All that we can do is learn and try our best not to do it again. It is a big deal to admit things out loud...keeps us accountable. It is a sign of your developing maturity.
Later.
Trinda
PS. we all feel a little dirty at some point...you aren't alone. And congrats on becoming a daddy again....very exciting! You guys will be in our prayers!
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