ripped crotches and prayer walks

i went to the park today. our chapel group wanted to do a prayer walk, so we all piled in cars and drove to the park. the second i got there, my eye caught the playground. some people went there to pray, and i didn't want to disturb them, so i walked a different direction. i walked up a hill trying to get a good view of the park only to see piles of garbage on the other side. welcome to regina. i love it here. i walked through the garbage and made my way to the riverbank. i just wanted to sit down, but the ground was wet. i think people in the park wondered why there was a bunch of college age kids walking in separate directions around the park. prayer walks must look pretty strange to the world, i imagine. i have trouble multi-tasking, so walking without falling was my accomplishment of the day. walking and praying could have brought about disastrous results. although, i'm sure God would have rescued me from my clumsiness. after all, i would have been praying...

but lately i've been trying to figure out this whole relationship with God thing. i suck at worship. i suck at prayer. i suck at meditation. i'm really good at watching hockey. i don't know if that qualifies as a relationship with God or not. maybe God stayed up until 1:30 am to watch the Sedin twins finish off the stars. i was walking around this park trying not to fake it. i don't want to look all holy to the world and people around me but inside be thinking about how i really need new pants because i'm getting too fat for the ones i'm wearing, and i ripped the crotch in my other good pair last week. who thought of the word crotch anyway? that's a wierd one. i shouldn't worry so much what other people think. i just don't want to be fake. i don't want to be fake to them, or to God. i want to be real. really real. i don't know what that means, but i want to be it anyway. so much of this world is fake. we put on masks and phony fronts and act as if everything is great when we are falling apart inside. i have a tendency to do the opposite. everything in my life is great, but i stub my toe and my life falls apart. two different things, but the same idea.

i found myself back at the park, and people were still praying and being quiet, but a kid had made his way onto the playground with his mom. i sat down and watched him play and use his imagination to pretend he was in a giant fortress fighting off the alien race that was trying to beat him at pokemon. or something like that...i really wanted to go play with him. i thought about it, though, and worried that his mom might think i was some wierd creep. but then i thought, who cares. i want to play. i'm sick of being someone i'm not. i'm not going to sit here and pretend to be all contemplative when really i just want to go down the slide. by the time i decided to go and play, the kid had gone, but most of the college kids had gathered around and were getting ready to leave. i walked up the stairs and went down the slide, getting dirt and snow down my pants. i went up again and noticed a couple other people walking up to the playground. i told someone i could beat them in a racing game that was built into the structure. i did the whole na na na na boo boo, just to complete the feeling of being a child again. they beat me good. curse you, aimee lydiate! then the teachers came up and we started having a snowball fight. the snow was mostly like ice, so it was probably a bad idea, but uncle blair and stan started it. who was i to deny them their challenge? people jumped on the swings and started goofing off. for a second it felt like nobody had their mask on.

this has no real point, except for i had a fun time on the slide this morning. i think i put on masks too much and pretend to be something i'm not. really, though, i just want to play on the slide and have a snowball fight.