dana-pt. 3
it turned out he had a warrant out for his arrest for months, even before i met him. i had always wanted to be part of an organized crime ring, but this was a little low brow. he had been caught (what else...) stealing and had skipped his trial date. so now he was in prison. he was past the point of asking me for favors. he said he called me because he didn't have anyone else's number.
visiting someone in prison is intimidating, to say the least. barbed wire fence everywhere, ring a buzzer to get in the front door, get frisked before you sign in, get your bags checked thoroughly (they wouldn't let me bring him a bible, i still don't know why), then you are led up a staircase to a room filled with chairs on either side of a glass partition, just like you see on the movies. i sat down, not really sure what i was supposed to say. i had heard stories of my dad visiting a guy who had tried to kill his wife in prison. i admired my dad for that, and i wanted to be that kind of person, but to be honest, i just really didn't feel like it. i couldn't get out of there soon enough. we made small talk for a few minutes, and pretty soon the conversation flowed like it did when i first met him. he assured me that this set him straight. he was in jail for three months, and had lots of time to think, so i tended to believe him. i left feeling a deep sadness. there was nothing redemptive about this place. it's hard to believe that anything good could come out of jail. it's no wonder 66% of criminals end up reoffending.
i'd like to say i was a faithful friend. i'd like to say i went to visit dana every day. i'd like to say all those things. but i didn't. prison scared me. and i didn't want to be responsible for dana when he got out. i couldn't handle that pressure. sure enough, he got out of jail, and showed up at Blessings to say hello. it was the first time i had seen him clean shaven, in a clean dress shirt and khakis.
"can i ask one more favor of you, Blair?" he asked. i was worried where he was going with this. i had no desire to get more deeply involved with dana. part of it was because i wanted to protect myself. but most of it was because i was selfish. i didn't want to give my time. i didn't want to give my energy. i didn't want to go out of my comfort zone. i just didn't want to. but in this circumstance, all he wanted was a ride to his mother's house. so i took him. on the drive he apologized to me for putting me in awkward situations. he thanked me for helping him. and i felt nothing but shame. here was this broken and humbled man. this man who i was supposedly helping yet i couldn't wait to be away from him. shame. for how i had given up on him. how i had grown to resent him. how i hadn't yet forgiven for the awkward situations he had put me through. broken and humble. seeking forgiveness. of course, i said i forgave him, although i still harbored some resentment in that moment because i figured he'd be back tomorrow to do it again.
that day, i dropped him off and we said goodbye, and he never came back. i wondered where he was, and maybe could have found him if i really sought him out. but my fear got the better of me. it was easier to move on and forget. ignore the shame of giving up on someone. pretend to be holy when you were really acting out of self-interest. i am thankful for my time with dana, because he has made me a better person. i pray that i will not give up on people so easily. i pray that I will be as humble and broken as Dana was so that God can use me for whatever he wants. i pray that God will continue to use a broken person like me to show Jesus to the world, even when I continue to be shallow and self-serving. i pray that God will give me a chance at redemption, will bring another dana into my life. i will not give up so easily this time. here is the gospel as i know it.
Matthew 25:34-40
34 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' 40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
visiting someone in prison is intimidating, to say the least. barbed wire fence everywhere, ring a buzzer to get in the front door, get frisked before you sign in, get your bags checked thoroughly (they wouldn't let me bring him a bible, i still don't know why), then you are led up a staircase to a room filled with chairs on either side of a glass partition, just like you see on the movies. i sat down, not really sure what i was supposed to say. i had heard stories of my dad visiting a guy who had tried to kill his wife in prison. i admired my dad for that, and i wanted to be that kind of person, but to be honest, i just really didn't feel like it. i couldn't get out of there soon enough. we made small talk for a few minutes, and pretty soon the conversation flowed like it did when i first met him. he assured me that this set him straight. he was in jail for three months, and had lots of time to think, so i tended to believe him. i left feeling a deep sadness. there was nothing redemptive about this place. it's hard to believe that anything good could come out of jail. it's no wonder 66% of criminals end up reoffending.
i'd like to say i was a faithful friend. i'd like to say i went to visit dana every day. i'd like to say all those things. but i didn't. prison scared me. and i didn't want to be responsible for dana when he got out. i couldn't handle that pressure. sure enough, he got out of jail, and showed up at Blessings to say hello. it was the first time i had seen him clean shaven, in a clean dress shirt and khakis.
"can i ask one more favor of you, Blair?" he asked. i was worried where he was going with this. i had no desire to get more deeply involved with dana. part of it was because i wanted to protect myself. but most of it was because i was selfish. i didn't want to give my time. i didn't want to give my energy. i didn't want to go out of my comfort zone. i just didn't want to. but in this circumstance, all he wanted was a ride to his mother's house. so i took him. on the drive he apologized to me for putting me in awkward situations. he thanked me for helping him. and i felt nothing but shame. here was this broken and humbled man. this man who i was supposedly helping yet i couldn't wait to be away from him. shame. for how i had given up on him. how i had grown to resent him. how i hadn't yet forgiven for the awkward situations he had put me through. broken and humble. seeking forgiveness. of course, i said i forgave him, although i still harbored some resentment in that moment because i figured he'd be back tomorrow to do it again.
that day, i dropped him off and we said goodbye, and he never came back. i wondered where he was, and maybe could have found him if i really sought him out. but my fear got the better of me. it was easier to move on and forget. ignore the shame of giving up on someone. pretend to be holy when you were really acting out of self-interest. i am thankful for my time with dana, because he has made me a better person. i pray that i will not give up on people so easily. i pray that I will be as humble and broken as Dana was so that God can use me for whatever he wants. i pray that God will continue to use a broken person like me to show Jesus to the world, even when I continue to be shallow and self-serving. i pray that God will give me a chance at redemption, will bring another dana into my life. i will not give up so easily this time. here is the gospel as i know it.
Matthew 25:34-40
34 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' 40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
posted by xblairx @ 11:20 PM
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