this insignificance is real

i don't really know how to feel right now. i should feel great. i've had some great visits with some great friends i haven't seen in ages. my family is awesome. makena learned how to say i love you, which is the best thing i have ever heard in my life. the job is going great. i've gotten to hang out with some great kids and the things i'm doing with them are going really great. life is good. 

but i have a sick feeling in my gut. i feel discontented with the way things are right now. which is okay. i have learned over the years that this feeling usually spawns something new and exciting in my life. but there is something brewing inside of me that feels important. not just a new thought or some insignificant detail. but something real. something that is about to rip me open and turn me inside out. the feeling is familiar yet strange at the same time. i haven't experienced it in awhile. and i don't know what to make of it. it is masking as unhappiness, but when i evaluate my life i have no reason to be unhappy. i have every reason for joy and peace. 

and maybe that's the reason. i believe whenever we get most comfortable is when we get torn from that place and pushed into the unknown. and i'm being pushed. settling into this line of work i'm in, it would be so easy to just settle in. do a few bible studies a week and call it a day. but i believe there is something so much bigger for these kids. and i need to be a part of that because i need to grow as much or more than they do. youth ministry is such a strange thing. i don't know what it means. a few friends bug me and call me their pastor now. how do i be a pastor? there are so many that have gone before me and done it in so many different ways. some have been outstanding and others less then enthusiastic. i know what i don't want to become. i don't want to be just another tired youth minister trying to get by. i want to be so much more. i want our church to mean so much more to our kids. i want our kids to mean so much more to our church. i want our church & our kids to mean so much more to our world. i want everything to change. i want something so big that i feel overwhelmed and tired just thinking about it. but i can't give it up. i can't ignore it. and if you see me doing so, slap me on the mouth. i am tired of wasting away and waiting for things to change. i am tired of being an idealist with no real value. 

that was a rant and a half. re-reading it, it makes little sense, but maybe that's what it's supposed to be. if i try to make too much sense of it, it will become insignificant.