can i have my snake back?

if you haven't seen the darjheeling limited, you should. 

the weeks are passing by like my moxie's brownie at autumn challenge in 01'. kris o. & aaron friesen know what's up. one time, we went out to moxie's with john close and some others and after we got back to the church, i threw up in the parking lot. then me and kris were saying bye to some people, and we watched a girl slip in it. it was the happiest moment of my life, i think.

melissa's grandma passed away march 1. we have been back and forth from regina to winnipeg more times than i can count. well, actually only 4 times, but that's pretty high. it's been a rough few weeks for the wiebe family. i hate seeing people go through pain. you wish you could take it away and just wrestle it down and tell it to quit hurting people. like pain is a bully, and you are showing him who is the boss. like tony danza. king of the small screen. in the 80's. 

i feel very disconnected from life right now. like i am an observer watching myself do things. no i'm not on drugs. it just seems like i'm having trouble living in the moment. i'm always looking back to how things were or looking ahead to how i hope things will be. i don't even know what that means, but it makes sense in my brain somehow. but i want to be present. i want to be aware of what's going on around me. i struggle with knowing what to say or how to be there with someone. i know i don't need the perfect words, but somehow i feel like everything good in my life is being missed because of this. 

allow me to be abstract for awhile, as if i'm not already. i used to drive around regina and see so much beauty in the faces of the people i passed. not only the people, but the old rundown buildings, and the trees, and everything. i could see it. i could taste it. it was real to me. i'm struggling with that today.

allow me to be specific for a moment. i look in the face of my beautiful wife and feel like there is no way i deserve her grace and beauty. i look into the face of my 2 year old beautiful girl and marvel at the perfection of God in her smile and in her cry. i see my wife's belly and am amazed that i am a part of something so wonderful and bigger than myself that my mind can barely comprehend it (she is pregnant by the way, just so you don't think i have a weird obsession with my wife's belly). 

the things around me that are real are so beautiful. so perfect. so much better than what i deserve. i want to feel that way about everyone and everything. and today i don't. today i feel like sleeping. like going to bed and dreaming of my family. but why can't my love be bigger than that? i've told myself and others that it can be, that as a follower of Jesus it has to be bigger than that. if we only love those who love us, then what good is that? i believe that, but i'm wrestling today with loving the abstract. because when you love the abstract, it isn't abstract anymore. it becomes the real. it becomes the very thing that you have been looking for. i don't know if i'm ready to jump into that. but as a follower of Jesus, do i have any choice? no, i don't. it is what we are called to, and i am admitting that i fail miserably at loving what doesn't love me back. i am trying, and i will try again tomorrow. but i just want to be honest about how i feel at 11:30 pm on a wednesday night when i am alone without my family. so, for the two of you out there that this might have made sense to, thanks for reading and call me for coffee so we can be abstract and irreverent together. for the rest of you, sorry for wasting your time.

maybe i'm just ornery because the riders traded kerry joseph. has the whole world gone mad?