it is easier to act your way into feeling than to feel your way into acting

do you agree with that statement?

i read that quote a few days ago and now i can't get it out of my head. the reason i can't get it out of my head is because i realized that most of my life i have tried to feel my way into acting. it happens with a variety of things. here are a few examples.

i really feel like my relationship with God would be better if i would just spend more time with him. for some reason, that desire hasn't turned into anything more than just that, a desire. i really feel like fighting poverty and helping the poor. to be honest, i haven't really done much in that area, even though i talk about how much i care about it all the time. i really feel like being a kind person. sounds simple enough, right? but everyday, i find myself glaring at the person who cut me off, ignoring someone i know needs help, taking out frustrations on my family...this list could go on for awhile, so i'll leave it there.

and the list of things that i feel like doing could also go on for a long time. there are so many things that i desire to do or ways that i wish to be, but for some reason, they just haven't happened. i say "for some reason" but i really know the reason. the reason is because i just don't do them. i just don't spend time with God. i just don't help the poor as much as i should. i just decide not to be kind to people on a regualr basis.

what does this mean? does it mean that those things aren't really that important to me? i've been kind of scared that that is the case lately. if i really cared about these things, God, the world, my relationships...then they would all be incredible and amazing and i wouldn't have to feel this way anymore because i would have them and my search would be over. but i don't really think that's true. i don't think it means i don't care about them. i think it means i'm lazy. i think it means i'm selfish. i think it means i'm angry. i can still want to be or do something but suck at it. so the problem isn't that i don't really care about these things (and trust me, those things i mentioned were only the first three out of a thousand i could have written). the problem is that i won't act. i'm trying to feel my way into acting when i should just shut up and act. the feeling might not be there. in fact, the feeling will probably never be right where i want it. but until i start to act on my hopes, dreams and desires for myself, my family and the world, then i have no hope of ever feeling content. i have no hope of ever feeling like i am doing what i'm supposed to be doing.

we should always be striving for something. i don't think our search should ever be over. we should never be content and feel like we have done enough. we can be content with where we are in life, but never with how far we have made it. there is always more that can be done, and so my wish is not to simply be content. my struggles, desires and feeling will never stop. my wish is that i will do the right thing always.

you can't handle the truth

War On The Periphery

Around the battlements go by
Soldier men against the sky,
Violent lovers, husbands, sons,
Guarding my peaceful life with guns.

My pleasures, how discreet they are!
A little booze, a little car,
Two little children and a wife
Living a small suburban life.

My little children eat my heart;
At seven o'clock we kiss and part
At seven o'clock we meet again;
They eat my heart and grow to men.

I watch their tenderness with fear
While on the battlements I hear
The violent, obedient ones
Guarding my family with guns.

you guys have probably seen "a few good men." we've all heard that famous line a thousand times, "you want the truth? you can't handle the truth!" shouted by military commander, jack nicholson at the ever so dreamy mr. cruise. jackie boy goes on to say "deep down inside you need us on that wall, you want us on that wall, because without us on that wall, you have nothing!" he says this referring to the wall at guantanamo bay to keep an eye on cuba. the whole gist is that his character has done something terribly wrong, and he tries to justify it, saying that without him and what he does, there would be no freedom for any of us. now before you think i'm going to tear the army a new one (although in reality, 99.9% of the army would tear me two new ones before i could tear them half of one...what does that even mean?), i am not going to have my typical anti-war angry young hippie speak. that is good, but i've done it before, and i'm sure your all sick of it. in fact, the reason i'm talking about war and this movie is because i'm actually beginning to wonder if his statement is true. despite all my depely held beliefs about war and violence, i'm wondering whether i am a hypocrite. i am against war, yet it is because of the military that i possess many of the freedoms i so deeply cherish. if i'm being honest, this is true. i can't really deny it. take away the army and what do we have?

we read this poem in our english class this week. i'm wondering what pacifists do with the thoughts that come from this poem. how do i feel about the fact that the reason i have the freedoms i do because there is a military in place to protect our country? i'm someone who will often talk about how i feel that war and violence is wrong in all circumstances. if that's the case, would i accept the option of taking away our military/police force/grandma doing the neighborhood watch with a can of bear mase? how would i protect my family? it's easy for me to sit here and think i know everything, but for some reason, i can't help but shake this feeling that my stance is missing something important. i'm not stepping away from pacifism, but i am beginning to question whether i truly am a pacifist, or whether i just don't like war. if i am against war, should i not be against the military? i know we can support our troops but not the war. i know we can because i do. but if i truly believe war is wrong, then shouldn't the military not be in place either?

obviously this is as big hypothetical, as this will most likely never be the case. but i'm wondering what you guys think about this. i'm looking at people like tim mcmillan, who works for the rcmp, and rachel elford, whose husband is in the american military. what do you guys think? what does everyone else think? i don't ever see myself in support of war, but i'm struggling to find something above both options that is in line with God's kingdom. let me know what you think...

first rule: we don't talk about fight club

first of all, a shout out to my bro ham, 2 minute mark. it was his birthday this past sunday and i think he turned 45 or something like that. congrats and keep rocking like your 28.

i watched fight club this weekend. it's an interesting movie, and i'm not here to recommend it or take it down a notch. i thought it was okay. there's some stuff i don't like, and some stuff that i think was really cool about it. anyway, that's besides the point because there's a line that stuck in my head.

the main character, edward norton, is an insomniac. the way he cures his insomnia is hilarious, i think. he starts going to support groups. and not support groups for insomniacs. he goes to support groups for tuberculosis, infectious diseases, cancer, etc... you name it, he has a support group for it. he goes to these support groups, and in each one, at some point they pair off and hug, cry, sob and hold eachother for support and comfort. this is what he loves to do. he gets it all off his chest and cries and weeps and sobs for as long as he needs to. then he goes home and sleeps like a baby.

at one point, he is talking to some girl who knows what he's doing and she asks him why he does what he does. his answer made me a little uncomfortable.

he said...
"i like going to these places because when people think that your dying, it's the only time they'll really listen to you. every other time, they're just waiting for their turn to speak."

i know it's just a movie, and i know i am probably taking this way too seriously. but i think it's true. yeah, there are some gifted people out there who really know how to listen to other people. i don't, though. most of the time, i am just waiting for my turn to speak. i am the center of my own world, and everyone else is just background noise. i'll nod my head and pretend like i care, but i really don't. sometimes i do, but rarely. unless it is someone i am very, very close to, it is really difficult for me to get my head out of my butt and pay attention to something other than myself. does anyone else struggle with this? we live in a very individualistic society where everything is about me and what I want. we are taught to be consumers and buy the things that will benefit me and make our individual lives comfortable. this has infected our, or at least my, thought and speech in very real ways.

this bleeds into our churches, as well. we all bring our own individual lives to church each sunday and rarely let others in. we become concerned with what we can get out of service, not with what we can give. for a long time, i didn't go to church, because i kept telling myself that i didn't get anything out of it. but what if we could all learn to truly listen? just listen to eachother? i guess the reason this hit me so hard is because although it was just a movie, i want our churches to be a place where we truly listen to the needs and hurts and desires and frustration of people everywhere. that statement shouldn't be true, yet i think it is. when people are dying shouldn't be the only time we will listen to them.

i don't know where this rant is going. i don't have a big point to make. i guess i just think if we all became more concerned with the community, not just our churches but our town and cities and countries, more people would feel listened to. i think that would be good.

i am so not eloquent today. i'll try again tomorrow. look for my deep thoughts about "dumb and dumber" coming soon...

colby elfords take on mad cow disease

i've been away for awhile. both my brain and body are the enemies keeping me from taking the time to write. i have too much homework, and at soccer the other day when i was making spectacular saves that would make nic olson proud, i wrecked my neck. i was mostly bed ridden until today, so here i am sharing my pointless thoughts with you once more.

check that. i'm going to share someone else's thoughts with you and ask you what you think. i'm reading a brilliant book right now by Douglas John Hall called "The Cross In Our Context". i highly recommend that everyone read it. anyway, i don't have time to explain everything about the book, but i just wanted to share some quotes with you that made me stop and re-evaluate some things. check it to wreck it...

"Triumphalism refers to the tendency in all strongly held worldviews, whether religious or secular, to present themselves as full and complete accounts of reality, leaving little if any room for debate or differences of opinion and expecting of their adherents unflinching belief and loyalty. Such a tendency is triumphalistic in the sence that it triumphs-at least in its own self-estimate-over all ignorance, uncertainty, doubt, and incompleteness, as well, of course, as over every other point of view...The only antidote to religious triumphalism is the readiness of communities of faith to permit doubt and self-criticism to play a vital role in the life of faith. Unforunately, it is unusual when a religious faith leaves room for profound questioning of itself on the part of its adherents. Even more rarely does religion actually invite and encourage such questioning. "

maybe it's more obvious that i thought, but do you agree with this? do you believe this is true of the church and its followers? if so, is that okay? do we need to change it? just some thoughts from a man much smarter than i.

spread the frickin gospel

jason bandura has all his sermons since september posted.
http://jsbandura.wordpress.com/speaking/

do yourself a favor and check each one out. this man has a brilliant way of communicating an important message so chumps like me can understand. it'll do your body good.

to borat, or not to borat?

my thoughts right now are very scattered, and i have no time to think, let alone organize what i'm thinking, so i'll just let you know what's up with my life.

i had an incredible weekend. visiting with johnny c. was definitely the highlight of the weekend. reading the blog is one thing, but to sit down and chat with such a great guy and good friend was an honour for me. him and his brother did an incredible job at the youth rally this weekend. i felt like such an old man being there, but it was worth it to see them in action. i've never seen someone who can connect with kids the way john can, and if i can be half the man he is, my life will have been well lived. and allen, well, lets just say he laid a whooping on me sunday morning. what he said was so important for me to hear, and for the church to hear. i couldn't possibly paraphrase with my lack of mental capacity what he said in the short time i have. what stood out the most was something along these lines....

"the Church has to emulate it's head, Christ. as the body of Christ, we have to follow the head. if not, we will be flailing everywhere with no direction. "
"the Church needs to be inclusive as Jesus was inclusive. if a prostitue walks into our assembly, she needs to be one of us! if a homosexual couple comes into our Church, they should be part of our family. it doesn't make us soft on sin to accept these people. we don't have to be soft on sin. but we do have to love and include the way Jesus did."

al said it much more eloquently than that, but that's what i remember. anyway, honorable mentions were my mother-in-laws sweet cooking, makena's first ponytail(cutest thing ever), hanging out with ike, and seeing jerms sweet face, if only for a brief moment.

p.s.-have i mentioned to any of you that you should pick up the new MEANS cd at any HMV of CDPLUS store? if i haven't, you should. it is equal to or greater than the best thing in the world. much love to you all. i have lots of thoughts, and will hopefully find some time to share them all soon.