vanilla ice and snoop dogg...who would have thought the two would mix so beautifully?

walking to soccer was maybe not the best decision i had made. it was cold outside, and not a good idea before i had to be limber and ready to move in about 20 minutes time. i was playing goalie, because vega broke some sort of limb the other week, and now i'm stuck with the embarrassment of letting in too many goals. it's okay, though. he deserves a break. it's not his fault, you see, it's just that our team is no good. i mean, they are fine people, just no good at soccer. myself included. i can take on the teams humiliation for a few weeks. we are 0 wins and 9 losses on the season, so my feeling as i walked was not one of excitement, but one of expectation. expectation of a loss.

i put my headphones on as i walked out the door and began listening to a sermon on becoming a peacemaker. it seemed kind of strange. i was used to listening to some MEANS, as i lay dying or at the very least, some Justin Timberlake to get me pumped up before a game. but i was in a wierd mood so i walked on listening to my sermon. he began with quoting a tonne of statistics about wealth and consumerism in north america compared to the rest of the world. the statistics quoted were making me angry. the rich are getting richer while the poor are dying. most people would say the poor were just getting poorer, but lets be honest, they're mostly dying. the US government spends the same amount on their military budget every year that the next 18 countries behind them on the list do combined. these rolled on and on, and were leaving a bitter and angry taste in my mouth. i know i'm just a chump from canada, and he was talking about the US of A, but it felt very close to home.

as the statistics rattled off in my brain, i looked up to see the huge brightly lit billboard outside of the exhibition grounds that advertised the snoop dogg and concert being held that night. i turned off my mp3 player for a moment, and sure enough, i could hear the bass pounding through the cold air. as i got closer, you could feel the bass in your chest, and i kind of wanted to stick around and check things out. no time, though. didn't want to be late for soccer. acts like snoop dogg don't make it to regina all that often, so you could sense the excitement. whatever. i don't really like rap music anyway, i was just intrigued by the happenings around me. i walked through the crowded parking lot where people were shouting, smoking some things, drinking and having a good time. before i knew it, i was at the soccer center, with only a couple minutes to spare. i'll save you the suspense. i let in 7 goals and we lost 7-2. not my most brilliant moment to be sure. i was going to get a ride from someone, but then i remembered the concert and the people in the parking lot and decided it would be more exciting to walk home instead.

i bundled up and put my sermon back on. a minute out the door and someone in a car asked to use my phone. i said sure and stood outside waiting and watching, listening to some guy talk about the state of the world and how christians needed to respond. i turned it off so i could hear when they were done with my phone, and heard vanilla ice coming loudly out the car speakers. it put a smile on my face after a somewhat disappointing night. i mentioned it was kind of funny that they were listening to that at a snoop dogg concert. they thought so, too. i walked away with my headphones on, and just a little happier than before. a little 'ice, ice baby' can cheer you up on the worst of days. the sermon shifted gears a little bit. it went from despair to hope. examples of people from his church going to iraq to help them rebuild their cities. examples of aid workers and all sorts of american people doing amazing things around the world in the name of Jesus. the point of the statistics he had listed was to help his american friends to maybe get a glimpse into the rest of the world's lives, and to maybe see for just a second why they might hate america the way they did. it wasn't to be negative. it got me thinking about how negative i am about most things. government, organized religion, my dog peeing on my carpet, and things like that. i realized i have a mean streak that takes control of me, and although i want to be, i am the furthest thing from a peacemaker on most days.

i looked around at the faces of the people i walked by. some were sad, others excited, some visibly a little off balance from alcohol/drugs/who knows what, some were angry, some yelling, and many were heading home from the concert. but as i looked at each face, i had an epiphany. and i don't know if that's the right word, because i knew it before this happened, but this is one of the few times in my life that it became real to me. God desperately loves these people. He loves them with all His heart. it's not often that i'm that open to other people, and i don't know what it was that brought me there. maybe it was the sermon i had listened to. maybe it was the cold night air that cleared my head. maybe it was getting my butt whooped in soccer. maybe it was just the beauty of the moment. i don't know. but i'll never forget that moment. God loves me the same way He loves snoop dogg, the same way He loves the staggering drunk that had just gotten kicked out, the same way He loves the prostitute down the street, the same way He loves the beaten down and oppressed, the same way He loves george bush...the list doesn't end. something so simple, and yet so beautiful. something so hidden, yet so right in front of us. and a second realization came to me. i loved these people too. i loved them all, even george bush, who i sometimes make a habit of condemning on a daily basis. love. it was something so simple, but so huge at the same time.

i wish i could say it lasted. i got home, and felt the same way for my wife and child. but the next morning i woke up after too little sleep and had mostly forgotten the experience. i don't feel the same way today that i did that day about all those people. i just don't. i would like to. but i have lost that feeling. but that's okay, i guess. love isn't supposed to be a feeling. it would be nice if you could always have that feeling as an assurance of your love, but love doens't work that way. it's an action, or a 'verb' as AVB would say. it's something we have to choose to do everyday. i'll look at that moment with clarity as one of the few times i have gotten a glimpse into the love of God. it won't happen everyday, and it might not make any sense to anyone else reading this. maybe you had to be there. but it has inspired me to try and look at each persons face just a little bit longer and see the face of God in there. it's harder with some people than others. but i know he's in there somewhere. i just have to see. just wanted to share with you guys.

biting off more than i can chew

in a recent post on john & ang's blog, the discussion of baptism came up, and it's role in salvation.

coming out of that discussion, i felt an urge to bring up the always contentious idea of hell that christians subscribe to. the question was asked by jordan whether someone who was never baptized, never went to church, and never takes communion will go to hell. it got me thinking about our (our being the church) view on hell, and the fact that most people would answer yes to that question.

i don't have an easy answer. or even an answer for that matter...
but i do think that the churches response to this very valid question and others like it are often lacking in substance and critical thought. too often, we write it off as "God is a just God, and cannot be with sin". while that may make sense to someone who is a christian (although it still leaves me wanting), i don't think we can leave it at that. it's a strange idea of justice, to think that God will send some to eternal torment forever for not believing in Jesus, or not subscribing to a certain set of beliefs. and what purpose does it serve for God? where is the good news in that? how do we respond to people who can't reconcile the belief of a loving and compassionate God with this picture that the church and Christians have painted for them?

all that being said, i am still wrestling with this idea. i don't want to be written off as some left side liberal trying to shoot down the doctrine of hell. this isn't liberal or conservative. this isn't left wing or right. this is just an honest question. how do we reconcile our beliefs about hell with a loving and compassionate God?

any takers?

A Family Tribute #3

Keri-Lyn...Smells...Like...Hair..gellin'
(I have no nickname for Keri, and nothing rhymes with Keri-Lyn. Maybe slow dancin'?)

i still think of her as my little 12 year old sister i used to make fun of for listening to n'sync. the jokes on me, though, cause now i like justin timberlake. we're even, okay keri-lyn? i harrassed her mercilessly about her love of all things boy band. she was pretty mad about it for a while, but then it became an ongoing joke between us. at one point, she bought me n'sync buttons for christmas that i proudly displayed all over my 86 corolla. i got some funny looks when people looked into my car to see lance bass on my dashboard with a bearded hippy at the wheel. but i kept those buttons, because i loved my sister, and i was more than happy to get a few wierd looks, so i could laugh and think of here everytime i got into my car.

we didn't always get along. i remember once finding a picture of us when we were both little toddlers running around on the beach, but i was so mad at her that day, that i ripped her out of the picture. i still remember her crying and feeling like i had done the worst thing in the world to her that i possibly could have. it took us a while to get on track with our relationship, but i suppose that is normal of most siblings.

i still remember the first time i realized that i really loved my sister. it was at clearview camp, either the summer of, or the summer before i graduated. it was teen week, and i was there and so was she. i remember laughing and joking with her. i remember keeping my eye on her for any guys that might be getting a little too close. i remember thinking, man, my sister is way cooler than i am! my new favorite picture of us, as opposed to the one that i...uh...sort of...ripped up, is one of us at camp that year. i have my arm around her and we are both smiling and it just brings joy to my heart to know that such a sweet amazing person is my own blood. don't ask me how it worked out that way. i hardly deserve it! i guess it's my parents good work or something like that...

keri-lyn is an amazing person. she works in daycare, which i believe to be such a noble profession. to take care of others children is a difficult and draining thing to do. she has a love and patience for children that i've only seen in my mother, and as a father myself, i know how much i would appreciate knowing that a person like her was keeping my child safe and loved. that part of her personality rolls over into her everyday relationships as well, as i see her caring for others in that same way. she is just like my mom, which is the best compliment i could give her. i wonder if that means alvaro thinks my mom is hot? sorry, alvaro. i had to say it. she will make an amazing mother someday. i know alvaro knows this, but he is so lucky to have her. you are wonderful keri-lyn, and i'm so proud of you. thanks for showing me a better way to live through your life. much love from your bro.


p.s.-i know i didn't bug her as much as mark and pete in their tributes, but what do you expect? mark and pete are way worse than keri-lyn. watch out joy. your next!

the execution of saddam hussein

i know i'm a couple weeks behind schedule on this topic, but i feel the need to get something off my chest. not many will agree. my words may be strong, but they come from a soul desperately searching to make sense of a world going mad, so please be patient with me.

on december 30th, it was a normal night like any other. i was delivering pizzas, listening to music and hoping for big tips. people don't tend to tip as good right after Christmas for some reason...i remember the feeling i had as i turned on the radio to the news that saddam hussein would be executed that night. it was the same feeling i had when the towers collapsed on september 11th. it was the same feeling i have every time there is a new crisis in the middle east. it's the same feeling i have when i hear of another senseless murder. it's the same thing i feel when i drive through north central regina. it was a feeling of hopelessness. it was a hopelessness so deep and dark that i wanted to just give up. i wanted to throw in the towel and sink into myself, because it would be so much easier to do that. it would be so much easier to not care about the situation the world is in and focus only on myself. i don't understand people who do this. that's not means as an insult, just a statement of fact. i can't do that. i can't shut myself off to what's going on. most who know me would know that i am a hopeful guy that sees a brighter future ahead for the world, but on this night, i felt sick in my heart in a way i had never experienced before.

why? your maybe wondering why the execution of a terrible man gets me so upset. after all, it was the just thing to do. this man has been behind some of the most attrocious acts against humanity, and he was simply getting what he deserved. the world was getting justice. wasn't it? is this what justice looks like? wikipedia says justice is the ideal state of humanity. is a man being hung from the gallows and shown dead on national television the ideal state of humanity? are people in the street cheering and celebrating the death of another human being the ideal state of humanity? what i want to know is where the ideal state of humanity is in all of this.

was the attack on 9/11 just? no, or course not. was the response in afghanistan. some would say yes, but seeing how terrorism is more prevalent today than it ever was, i would lean towards no. was the invasion of iraq just? no. every reason given to the people for going to war has shown to be false, and the execution of saddam hussein does not change the fact that the people were sold this war through deception. i would say rather that it was a grave injustice. so that brings us to saddam hussein. was his execution just? this is why i feel sick inside. this is why i feel hopeless. when is this sick notion that the death of more human beings will bring justice to the world. what makes me even sicker is that most of this is done in the name of God. they bomb us and we bomb them, all because our picture of God and the world is different from thiers. there is something wrong with that picture. we think we are fighting for noble causes and that makes it just in the eyes of God, but when will the murder of God's children (yes i'm talking about muslims, christians, and people like saddam hussein) ever be just? i know i can't expect the world to live by the same idea of justice that Jesus had, but when did we lose this beautiful picture he had of an ideal state of humanity? His justice was about feeding the hungry, giving to the poor, offering hope to the hopeless, freeing the oppressed, setting the world to rights. to me, the picture of Jesus and the picture of justice today do not match up. we are not setting the world to rights. we are destroying it.

this is why i feel hopeless with the execution of saddam hussein. when will the world be set to rights? right now, it seems the farthest thing from what justice really is. bear with me through my hopelessness. to those who disagree with my thoughts, in no way did i intend to hurt you or belittle your opinion. this is just where i am at in trying to figure my life out.

some things on my mind

it's been awhile since i had no internet access over the holidays, but many things have happened since then, and my head is swimming and i barely know where to begin.

first off, some of my greatest friends in the world, the boys in means, have recently signed with a new label and have a new cd coming out in march. i am so proud of them and just wanted to encourage everyone, whether you like hardcore or not, to give their new song a listen at www.myspace.com/means_music. it will wreck you like a month old mayonnaise sandwich.

second, i am starting my final semester of school. i plan to take more in the future, but this whole living off student loans thing is making me realize i don't want to do that for another year. so i'll have my 3 year bachelors degree and have no clue what i'm going to do. i know some places i would love to work, but i don't know if those places want me to work there, so as i send out resume's in the next month or so, talk me up to everyone you know, in case they happen to get one.

i have some more thoughts to share with you all. i could put them here, but it feels more appropriate to start a new entry, plus, i wanted this to be a little introductory letter since i haven't been here for a while. so for thoughts on saddam hussein, the end of faith, more family tributes, and a description of the perfect sandwich, stay tuned for more.