graduation is saturday and i don't even have a dress yet

it's crazy that it's almost over. really, life is just starting, but finishing school feels very surreal at the moment. i finished my finals and all my papers, and i have a couple days of calm before the storm. family is coming in for my grad this weekend, and it feels so strange. when my parents asked when it was so they could come, i thought it was strange they would want to come. not cause my parents are jerks. just cause this doesn't feel like it's that important. that sounds bad, because i know it is. maybe when the day comes it will make more sense. this year has been a constant whirlwind. the constant routine of school, work, and sleep feels so comfortable now. it seems normal. but it's not. i can't wait to give more time to my wife and baby girl. i have missed them so much.

now comes the fun part of looking for a job. i had a chance to go to vernon, bc. i had to turn it down, though, because it didn't feel right. the church and people there were awesome. they were so gracious to me in my awkward interview. i just felt like my heart wasn't in that place and it wouldn't be fair to them for me to go there and not have my heart there. now, i am stuck with tim horton's/pizza or something of that variety. maybe construction. maybe directing traffic. maybe directing movies. probably not that last one. i don't know. there are so many jobs out there, but i just happen to want to do something that doesn't hire so much...i guess it's my job to adapt to my situation and not give up on my dreams. i want to work with youth and i would love to do innercity ministry. mostly a combination of both would be the best case scenario. my dreams are big and seem so far down the road, that at this point, what I want to do feels hopeless. i know it's not because i believe God is taking me there. but i can't see the end of the tunnel yet, and it's frustrating. insert spiritual insight here...

anyhow, i am excited to do an earth day gridblog, so join in if you want. the idea is for all of us to write a blog on or around sunday about our view of the earth and what our responsibility is as Christians to take care of it. mostly, take it any direction you want. anyone is welcome to join. much love to those i love, and to those i don't love, well, sorry...i don't love you.

ripped crotches and prayer walks

i went to the park today. our chapel group wanted to do a prayer walk, so we all piled in cars and drove to the park. the second i got there, my eye caught the playground. some people went there to pray, and i didn't want to disturb them, so i walked a different direction. i walked up a hill trying to get a good view of the park only to see piles of garbage on the other side. welcome to regina. i love it here. i walked through the garbage and made my way to the riverbank. i just wanted to sit down, but the ground was wet. i think people in the park wondered why there was a bunch of college age kids walking in separate directions around the park. prayer walks must look pretty strange to the world, i imagine. i have trouble multi-tasking, so walking without falling was my accomplishment of the day. walking and praying could have brought about disastrous results. although, i'm sure God would have rescued me from my clumsiness. after all, i would have been praying...

but lately i've been trying to figure out this whole relationship with God thing. i suck at worship. i suck at prayer. i suck at meditation. i'm really good at watching hockey. i don't know if that qualifies as a relationship with God or not. maybe God stayed up until 1:30 am to watch the Sedin twins finish off the stars. i was walking around this park trying not to fake it. i don't want to look all holy to the world and people around me but inside be thinking about how i really need new pants because i'm getting too fat for the ones i'm wearing, and i ripped the crotch in my other good pair last week. who thought of the word crotch anyway? that's a wierd one. i shouldn't worry so much what other people think. i just don't want to be fake. i don't want to be fake to them, or to God. i want to be real. really real. i don't know what that means, but i want to be it anyway. so much of this world is fake. we put on masks and phony fronts and act as if everything is great when we are falling apart inside. i have a tendency to do the opposite. everything in my life is great, but i stub my toe and my life falls apart. two different things, but the same idea.

i found myself back at the park, and people were still praying and being quiet, but a kid had made his way onto the playground with his mom. i sat down and watched him play and use his imagination to pretend he was in a giant fortress fighting off the alien race that was trying to beat him at pokemon. or something like that...i really wanted to go play with him. i thought about it, though, and worried that his mom might think i was some wierd creep. but then i thought, who cares. i want to play. i'm sick of being someone i'm not. i'm not going to sit here and pretend to be all contemplative when really i just want to go down the slide. by the time i decided to go and play, the kid had gone, but most of the college kids had gathered around and were getting ready to leave. i walked up the stairs and went down the slide, getting dirt and snow down my pants. i went up again and noticed a couple other people walking up to the playground. i told someone i could beat them in a racing game that was built into the structure. i did the whole na na na na boo boo, just to complete the feeling of being a child again. they beat me good. curse you, aimee lydiate! then the teachers came up and we started having a snowball fight. the snow was mostly like ice, so it was probably a bad idea, but uncle blair and stan started it. who was i to deny them their challenge? people jumped on the swings and started goofing off. for a second it felt like nobody had their mask on.

this has no real point, except for i had a fun time on the slide this morning. i think i put on masks too much and pretend to be something i'm not. really, though, i just want to play on the slide and have a snowball fight.

there's a song in my heart and i got to let it out

i hate singing. i don't know why.

i was hugh the dragon slayer in our 5th grade musical. it was the lead role and i had three solos. i was the king of the castle for sure back then. i even sang a love song to a girl. that was awkward. seriously, i didn't even love her. back then, i loved singing and thought i was going to form the next new kids on the block. i'm not sure where that changed. i think as i grew up, i got too concerned with appearing cool, and cause i wasn't a christian, it wouldn't be very cool to sing in church or chapel. after all, how would i have gotten all the ladies?

fast forward to now. i'm a christian, but i still hate singing. i used to say it was the old hymns that i couldn't stand. but then chris tomlin started to make me gag as well, and i realized that i just don't like singing. i could scream in a band, and i liked listening to people sing in bands, but for some reason this whole notion of singing as worship to God didn't make sense to me. well, it made sense, but i couldn't do it. i think it's easy for those who love singing to implement that into worshipping God. i have lots of trouble doing that, though, since i don't like singing in the first place. i have two questions, with some sub-questions attached...

1. for those of you that love worshipping God through song, how do you make it more than just music? how do you really mean the words you are singing to God without just being concerned with staying on tune?

2. for those in the same boat as me, how do you worship God? do you just sing anyway, or in what ways have you learned to worship God?

hopefully some of you want to share. i think singing is a beautiful act of worship, but i also think that worship of God has to be so much bigger. i'd love any thoughts you guys might have to help a chump like me grow closer to God. dankushein...

2-9

2-9 is my official record as goal keeper now. we won our last regular season game last night and have playoffs next week. the score was 2-1, and i would have had a shutout, except for i kicked the ball out of our end with all my might...and it went off the other teams player and in the net. it's a shutout in my mind. i'm waiting on the call from arsenal, or at least team canada...

i'm in the crunch time right now for school. in other words, i'm doing so many crunches right now. you should feel my abs. it's been a strange year and the closer i get to having to find a job, the more i start to panic and stress...i know i shouldn't, but that's easier to say than to actually do. anyway, if i can get ahead of schedule in the next couple days, maybe i'll write something on here about why i think killing baby puppies is wrong. i mean, seriously. someone has to stand up for baby puppies. with all you monsters out there who think it's okay to kill baby puppies, it's a good thing there are heroes like me to save them. i'm looking at you, goodwin.

peace.